Hitting Grief

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It’s been a while since my last post. I don’t know where to start. Let me paint a picture to give this context. Have you ever loved someone so much that you could never see yourself without them and you played out scenarios of them being with you no matter what happens? Well, this was me.

My dog Bissell sadly passed away from liver failure on November 6th, 2020. He had been ill for a couple of months after contracting leptospirosis from a neighborhood dog because they allowed it to urinate everywhere in the communal area of our flats. They wouldn’t even clean up after it happened. Consocencly, Bissell had inhaled some of the infected urine from the floor and he contracted the disease.

We tried everything for Bissell over the course of two months. Helping him eat, late nights, taking his medication, and kept him as happy as we could. He was beyond loyal and showed no pain even up to the end. I know he was just trying to spare my feelings.

Fast-forwarding to the day he passed away. I got up like normal and attempted to get him moving to do his business outside. I attached his lead, but Bissell couldn’t stand up. Alarm bells went off in my head so I picked him to my chest. All I could hear was his breathing being labored, it was a very weird sound. Gargle, gargle, click, and that would repeat. At this point, we attempted to get him to walk, but all he did was walk into the wall twice.

We rang our vet from the PDSA and they asked to see him straight away. I knew at this point that he wouldn’t be coming back and my heart broke. Tears were streaming down my face as I took him to the car. I gave him a big cuddle and kiss, told him I love him, and handed him to my mother. She looked at me and said, “you know he’s not coming back?” I said yes, and tears fell even more.

Mum and Dad came back about twenty minutes later with his collar. They explained that when they got there the vet said that Bissell had minutes to live and he handed him back to mum. With that, Bissell took one last breath and closed his eyes, and he started his journey over the rainbow.

The aftermath of losing him has been terrible, he was my best friend and a huge part of my life. I have been left mentally worn out and I no longer feel like me. It’s been four months and the grief still brings me to tears. I’m now no longer wanting to do things that I loved, and I feel like I want to shut myself away from people. I don’t think I will ever be the same again.

Maybe I need to seek extra help regarding this, but for now, I need to power on through it all. Take what you will from this. Grief has hit me so hard, and I don’t know what to do.

Apple TV+ could end Netflix

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The new Apple TV+ video streaming service was launched a month ago with a somewhat mixed reception. Apple had only a few shows at launch, and some people felt short-changed with the lack of content.

If we look at rivals Netflix, they have an extensive collection, which at this time beats Apple TV+ hands down as Apple only released a handful of shows at launch; even though this could change shortly.

As you might be aware, Apple iTunes is one of the most significant collections of video content by far, but this hasn’t seen its way into the new video streaming service. There could be many reasons for this, but the higher cause is probably due to rights and royalties.

Apple could wipe Netflix off the map if they allowed the entirety of the iTunes video collection to be available for paying subscribers. If they keep costs low for the customer, they will migrate from rival stream services as they will have a better choice. Think different, remember that Apple.

If you would like a free seven-day trial, download the Apple TV app from the app store. You can get a free twelve-month subscription if you have bought a new Mac, iPhone, or iPad in 2019, do not hold me to that, but I got one with my iPad 10.2-inch 7th generation. Otherwise, if in doubt, it’s outlined on the apple website.

Labour Party Free Broadband — Problem

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Over recent weeks the Labour Party have pledged to give free broadband to every home in the United Kingdom if they win the general election.

They claim nationalising B.T (British Telecom) at the cost of £20 billion will be enough to give each household suitable fibre broadband free of charge.

The botched figure of £20 billion, which was clued up by a government assessment is nothing more than a guess. B.T came out and said the £20 billion figure was undervaluing what it would take to complete the infrastructure and instead claim it would require around £40 billion to get the job done.

Even though this seems like a perfect idea, it wouldn’t seem financially viable in the long run for profitability. Giving it away free would require increasing tax elsewhere. For example, taxing big companies like Google or Amazon more because ”they don’t pay their fair share.” Mostly you could thank them if it goes through because it will be their money propping up the free service.

I’m going to put an idea out there, how about they means test the costing against work status, benefits, and overall household income. If you are on jobseekers allowance or employment support allowance in the work-related group, you should be allowed minimal broadband for free while searching for work, and once you find a job, you should contribute towards broadband costs. I have placed a list below of how I think it should work.

  1. Job Seekers or ESA wrag – Free until employment (turned off during sanctions).
  2. Household income less than £10,000 per annum working or in receipt of a none job-seeking benefit – £2 a month.
  3. Household income between £11,000 to £20,00 per annum (same conditions as number 2) – £4 a month.
  4. Household income between £21,000 to £40,000 per annum – £6 a month.
  5. Household income of £40,000 or more per annum – £8 a month.
  6. NHS or public services staff – £2 a month.
  7. Armed forces – £2 a month.
  8. Pension Age – £2 a month.

As you will see, this method is more profitable, and these costs will help provide better infrastructure. These figures and tiers are still much lower than current prices for fibre broadband as the average person is paying £20 per month for broadband.

Let me know what you think in that comment section. Will free broadband work, or do you think we should bring in a tiered service?

Storm Area 51: The Truth

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Millions of people on Facebook said they were going to storm Area 51 and were set on uncovering government secrets; they thought E.T was stashed there.

But, in actuality, only one thousand, five hundred turned up on the 20th September 2019, and only one hundred and fifty dared to reach the forbidden gates of Area 51. There weren’t any attempts to storm the well-known base, but there was one arrest for public urination.

If truth be told, the intentions to storm the area were overhyped and pretty much became a talking piece for social media on the whole. This event was simply a gathering for people to share at the moment and to have a good time. Even the guards were laughing and joking with the people.

Maybe this will become a yearly event for everyone to enjoy, and to even bring more tourism to the area because many businesses were cashing in on the hype. I say, why not? The people aren’t doing any harm, and if it is controlled, the threat it poses is significantly lowered.

Live long and prosper UFO fans, here is to next year!

Snapchat: The Delete People

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A social network that allows you to do what you want, when you want, and to do it without your identity being shared. Which means only one thing, criminals will, and are running amuck through this paradise.

Snapchat by default deletes any snaps or chats after their servers detect that it has been opened by all recipients within twenty-four hours. Other things, such as stories or location data, are kept up to forty days. All details were found on Snapchats privacy policy, which can be found on their website.

Personally, I have stopped using Snapchat due to its delete policies, and how it’s bombarded with pornography for the most part. Call me a pessimist, but I like a platform where I know what has been sent and where it has come from. There are many people hidden within that network who have intentions to act upon behaviours outside the normal day-to-day and know with a high percentage of certainty that they will not be caught; unless the person takes a screenshot of course.

Let’s make an example. A young girl of say thirteen (which is their minimum age limit), and she is then sent a Snapchat from someone who has the intentions of grooming her. Each chat and snap will be deleted, and at this point, no one will have a clue as to what is going on because there is no paper trail.

Parents have a role to play in this also to regulate what the child is doing, but in many cases, this is hard to enforce as children they will feel like the parents are prying into their privacy. Also, dependant on who they are talking to will also determine whether they want you to know about whom they are communicating with via these apps.

Snapchat also needs to put in procedures to safeguard users against any criminal activities, whether this is grooming, scamming, hate, or whatever it may be. They currently have reporting features which do allow users to report something that is within expiry periods, but after it’s gone, you are pretty much out of luck as (according to their policies) it has been deleted from their servers; your only hope is by taking screenshots, but that informs the other recipient that you have performed this action.

Things need to change within their systems, whether that be age limit increases, identity verfication for real information and not just two-step, better detection for flagging different behaviours, and extended expiry times for chats or snaps which would mean data is kept for a more prolonged period, but it would allow a better background for reporting any account.

Even though I do have a Snapchat account (which is never logged in on any device), it was opened primarily to get the desired username, and it would prevent anyone from impersonating me on this platform.

Until they change the policies, I will continue to abstain from using their service. Believe me, when I say this, I can live without the funny faces and voice changers, and on a serious note, I can live without being on a social network that hides things.

Snapchats Privacy Policy

Life’s Card Game

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This blog is somewhat a mix of thoughts, moans, and somewhere in between, there is a mix of aspirations deep at its core beyond these ramblings.

I often find myself wondering what life would be like if things were different, maybe I’d be in better places, or even have a better experience.
Who knows, right? Perhaps we are all dealt different cards in life to mix it up a bit, after all, not all of us can be in the same field of interest, and nor can we be the same as one another because that would make life a complete drag. But, I guess the critical thing here is that we are not all alike, and in the end, we will all excel in some way, and that’s even if life doesn’t go the way you envisioned it.

My goals in life are simple, find something you like and stick to it. Even though in hindsight, I should have stopped myself after the third hobby because trying to remember everything these days is becoming a task in itself.

When I was about sixteen, I would think of things that I wanted to do after the school years came to an end. Obviously, you grow up with an idea of what you want to do in earlier years, but that is through the eyes of pre-adolescent imagination. At this point, all they know about is Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, and The Tooth Fairy. It isn’t focused on how they are going to make a difference to this world. And I am no exception from this. As I grew up, my life was focused a lot on computer technology, and in some ways shaped who I am. I use technology every day, and it makes everything more accessible, it’s like that central point that glues it all together.

I’ve dabbled into many things authoring, programming, web design, computer repair, podcasting, music production, and even making YouTube videos. And in their own little ways, they have all given me somewhat of a success. Which seems backwards considering my background. I was a school drop out at fifteen and a half with a list of failed GCSE’s, minus the French A star that I got without attending the exam, and neither knowing more than old Del Boy and his backwards Citreon manual. If you don’t get the reference, I would suggest doing a Google Search for “Del Boy Citreon Manual.”

I have also faced many limitations due to birth issues because of Cerebral Palsy being lovingly placed upon me. Not a big deal, but it sure has its moments. People always say that what we lack in physical ability, we then gain in mental capacity. Sometimes I think I am the smartest person going, that is until you are sat there dribbling down your own shirt and not knowing how to count to three. True story, I wish it wasn’t.

But, despite all this, I have been able to lead a tolerable life. It may not be the best, but it certainly isn’t the worst. Even though I wish things were more comfortable, especially for the hobbies that I want people to remember me for in years to come. Life’s success isn’t measured in silly numbers, it is in fact, regulated by the legacy you lead and the morals you teach to others throughout your time on this planet.

One day, it is my dream to make everyone proud of what I have ensured to be my own success, whether that be hobbies, a great partner, or even a faithful family man. But, I know one thing, it will be because of the core values instilled to me by my parents, and in which, even though not said very often, I genuinely thank them for it. I also thank them for believing in me when life kicks me in the crouch and when their help gets me through the clouded moments.

As you can see, this indeed has turned into a ramble, and somewhere in this, you will find comfort or even humour as I fail to get my core message across. Having a learning disability certainly does this to a person, but I fight through it with a few words and a Grammarly subscription that promptly tells me when I have messed up. But, if you missed the point of this, it was simple.

Live life the best you can no matter what cards you are dealt, for its not the cards that are the problem, it’s how you play them.

Rouge eBay & Amazon Book Sales

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Over the last twelve hours we have been informed about rouge sellers trying to profit from selling my books at unbelievable prices. The truth is that they don’t even own any stock of the books, they simply order it through Amazon at a reduced cost and Amazon ships it to the customer.

We are now taking the steps necessary to have any listings taken down from any site that are falsely claiming they have stock when it’s really being printed on demand. This does not include legitimate sales, eg. Actual purchases of the book. We do allow resale of books if they have been purchased from our publisher or authorised printing providers. Printing providers include: fulfilled by Amazon, lulu.com, Waterstones, WHSmith, and any third party company related to lulu.com.

Being transparent on this issue is paramount, and that is why we are honest about the situation. Please also bare in mind, even as the author of these books, I make NO PROFIT from sales of the books and proof can be provided of this. The only person making any profit in this is my publisher lulu.com and that is as and when a book is ordered.

If you wish to get my books for free you will find them on every major bookstore. These include: iTunes, Google Play, Smashwords, Amazon, Kobo, and Barnes & Noble. Each paperback book was transferred to ebook formats and this will always be the case, and FREE of course!

Thank you for the ongoing support and I hope you continue to support me through this book journey.


It wasn’t always like this

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Anxiety Diary
It wasn't always like this


It wasn’t always like this. Life was never all about anxiety, it was in essence a breeze at one point. I guess life life changes us all, or is it people that change us? Or, do we slowly come to hate hate people and life? I share my feelings on life and people in this 22 minutes of madness.


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