Monthly Archives: February 2021

Hitting Grief

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It’s been a while since my last post. I don’t know where to start. Let me paint a picture to give this context. Have you ever loved someone so much that you could never see yourself without them and you played out scenarios of them being with you no matter what happens? Well, this was me.

My dog Bissell sadly passed away from liver failure on November 6th, 2020. He had been ill for a couple of months after contracting leptospirosis from a neighborhood dog because they allowed it to urinate everywhere in the communal area of our flats. They wouldn’t even clean up after it happened. Consocencly, Bissell had inhaled some of the infected urine from the floor and he contracted the disease.

We tried everything for Bissell over the course of two months. Helping him eat, late nights, taking his medication, and kept him as happy as we could. He was beyond loyal and showed no pain even up to the end. I know he was just trying to spare my feelings.

Fast-forwarding to the day he passed away. I got up like normal and attempted to get him moving to do his business outside. I attached his lead, but Bissell couldn’t stand up. Alarm bells went off in my head so I picked him to my chest. All I could hear was his breathing being labored, it was a very weird sound. Gargle, gargle, click, and that would repeat. At this point, we attempted to get him to walk, but all he did was walk into the wall twice.

We rang our vet from the PDSA and they asked to see him straight away. I knew at this point that he wouldn’t be coming back and my heart broke. Tears were streaming down my face as I took him to the car. I gave him a big cuddle and kiss, told him I love him, and handed him to my mother. She looked at me and said, “you know he’s not coming back?” I said yes, and tears fell even more.

Mum and Dad came back about twenty minutes later with his collar. They explained that when they got there the vet said that Bissell had minutes to live and he handed him back to mum. With that, Bissell took one last breath and closed his eyes, and he started his journey over the rainbow.

The aftermath of losing him has been terrible, he was my best friend and a huge part of my life. I have been left mentally worn out and I no longer feel like me. It’s been four months and the grief still brings me to tears. I’m now no longer wanting to do things that I loved, and I feel like I want to shut myself away from people. I don’t think I will ever be the same again.

Maybe I need to seek extra help regarding this, but for now, I need to power on through it all. Take what you will from this. Grief has hit me so hard, and I don’t know what to do.

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